Je brûlerai comme une étoile

Driving home from my weekly church meeting, my mind was full of our discussion of how to talk to the teens this Sunday about our topic. Included in our talk, some people are doing testimonials which got me thinking. What is mine? When did I fall in love with Jesus so to speak? I was raised in the Catholic church, went to a Non-Denominational college and what has it led me to? My mind started racing almost as fast as my heart. I was bursting with thoughts. I fell in love when I walked away. I walked away in freshman year of high school, rebelling from my parents telling them I would not be forced to go to church. I walked away from Catholicism in my freshman year of college, overwhelmed by this new way of worshiping that I had never known. I walked away again when I was in Belgium for 6 months, surrounded by people who believe religion to be a culture rather than a faith. And once again, I walked away after I graduated from APU, feeling lost in my new-found solitude. And that's when I realized it. Each time I walked away, I realized how utterly stupid I was and came runnning back to Him. To His arms, His comfort, His ultimate Truth that could be found no where else.

So there I was on the 210, driving to my home that is not really my home, passing my job that I don't want to be my job, driving my car that was only supposed to be temporary, holding my phone I was not supposed to still be using, texting the boy I had not planned on still talking to, and it hit me. Why am I making things so hard on myself? Why am I fighting my life? So it's not exactly what I had planned, no I'm not in Africa right now speaking french, teaching and learning from those I'm living with in the middle of no where. So I'm still in the same area, still see people from APU and feel super weird about it, and live with APU grads even. So I'm no where near a solid relationship, (aka getting married like MOST of my friends) and I'm not in my dream job.

And then I remembered....this is NOT my life. This is HIS life. I am living in His life. I am living only because of Him and I have everything I have because He has granted me the power, desire, strength, persistance, grace and ability to do so. Why would I ever want to change that? Why would I want to take control of His life? It would be a horrible life! It would be...exactly how I've been living for the past few months...scared, nervous, heart broken, anxious, depressed. I felt like a HUGE rock had been thrown off of my shoulders. No matter what, He had me in His hands! Oh how good it was to speak almost scream to Him that I would continue to pursue to become closer to His life for me, to follow Him, to have Him guide me. I will continue to SEEK Him, no matter how many times I walked away first. I only asked for patience.

And all at once, I felt at peace. I am not living this life to make money, to travel the world, to fall in love, to be held down by worldly things. I am alive to lead out His plans for me. And hey, if those things aforementioned are intertwined in His plan, then man I'm all for it. So if I go to the Peace Corps, if I get a job in the church, if I find something else that He grants me to be blessed with, so be it. I will be His path into those around me. And I will not be afraid. I will not let the world around me get in between Him and I. Between His plan and this life He has mapped out for me. It's like a GPS. No matter how many times I fall off the course or make a wrong turn, it will always say (in french of course for my GPS lol) "recalculating" and give me a different route for how I should get to where I need to go. Only God knows this path that I should stay on and unfortunately because I am human, I stray from. But I have faith enough to know that I WILL come back and I WILL strive to show others this light within me.

and with that...I woke up in an amazing mood this morning, worked out this exhausted but willing body, spoke to a best friend I would be nothing without and as I drove the car that I pay for and appreciate, the job that I hate but am lucky to have, pass the boy who encourages me and I'm lucky to have in my life, I realize...All of MY stuff has become HIS stuff and I feel weightless as I walk with an open mind and ready heart.

time to organize before I get into this

#1 - I like doing what I'm good at. I don't like doing what I'm not good at

#2 - people's perceptions are SO incredibly interesting to me and this is a whole new world for me...